Let's All Watch Dawson's Creek Together: Episode 16, Season 5

Let me preface this episode by saying that this is The Absolute Farthest From The Truth Fiction Storyline Dawson’s Creek has Ever had. I’d use all caps, but I want you to take this seriously. This episode is often nicknamed The Mugging Episode.

I’ve never been mugged on the street, but I’ve had my purse stolen in front of me. And I’ve watched enough episodes of The Wire to feel knowledgeable about crime, as a white person. And I’m really very upset at Kevin Williamson for even attempting to introduce crime in this friendly way. Seriously, shame on you Kevin Williamson, for making teens thinks that this is how to act during a crisis, this is so fucking far fetched. Other than that, I love every minute of this entire series forever thank you, FP.

Click the jump for more.



We open on a COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY deserted Boston street in the wee hours of the morning/evening. Can someone find where that is, because as far as I’m concerned, its only in Capeside Reality. Joey seconds back to an ATM because she’s pretty sure that at what looks like 4AM she might need a $20 for no apparent reason.

Have I mentioned yet that Joey is dressed as a doctor’s wife? This must be a Halloween episode b/c why else would a 19-yr-old college girl wear a full-length camel coat, brown leather gloves, a red cashmere turtleneck, and a long brown scarf with brown heels? She’s probably on her way to pick up the foie gras for the benefit tonight.  Oh wait, she’s making a phone call on her FLIP PHONE (OoOoOo) to Prof. Wilder (Please, Joey, call me David) and makes plans to stop by.  SEE AUDIENCE, JOEY’S AN ADULT AND SHE’S MOVING ON. HMPH!

So Joey’s walking to the T, and is LITERALLY humming and dancing down the street like a retarded cartoon character.  But somebody’s watching Joey….

It’s Christian Slater! (Hey, are Christian Slater and Bobby Flay the same person? Check that shit out) No, but seriously, it’s a guy following Joey. He’s assures her, “HEY! I’m not about to mug you. And I’m not about to force myself on you. I can get my own dates, thank you very much.” Spoken like a true mugger-rapist. And as he keeps talking to her and following her Joey makes this face:

Then he gets closer and she makes this face:

Because she knows she's about to die.

This is the only believable part of the story. That a guy would harass and ask for money from a girl on the street.  Joey valiantly continues to try to get away and tells him that she’s scared and she’s going home.

He shows Joey his belly button and asks her to lend him money. Fade to a NEW OPENER (Oh shit) with an ominous moon and a foggy background, the stars’ names, and scary synthesizers. Man…as an audience member, I am sure this is to be a serious episode.

The guy pulls her into the opening of a building so no one sees THIS silhouette on the street.

Ok, I’m with you so far, Mug-Rapist. When Joey protests that she has no money, he says, “Come on, a rich little college girl like you?” And right there..right THERE, is the moment where I tilted my head and squeeked, “Whuuu?” A RICH COLLEGE kid? Listen, I know they exist. But any criminal who wants to steal money from a COLLEGE STUDENT is utterly utterly stupid. Maybe he thinks she’s a rich doctor’s wife, it’s understandable. I’ve lost some respect for you, Mug-Rapist.

Then, it gets worse. He continues to talk to her, “Let’s have a successful mugee-mugger relationship/I won’t hurt you, just get some money/This will all be water under the bridge in a while.” What? Ok…Kevin Williamson, have you ever watched a cop show? The 6-word  extent of criminal vocabulary  is GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY BITCH. That’s all that needs to be said! Point made!

So, the most logical response from Joey would be to spare her life, give him money, and then let him run away right? I mean, that’s how every other mugging I’ve ever heard of goes. Joey counters with, “Any chance that gun could go off in your pants?” This kind of comment would get you raped, if not shot.

He calls her a wise ass because this is the WB and he can’t call her a fucking cunt bitch, as a real criminal might. She gives him $20 because this is 2002 and people still carry actual money on them, but Mug-Rapist is not satisfied. He goes to take her “jazzy check card that’s all the rage nowadays” but Joey kicks him in the chest (really?) and runs! WHOA! Totally a correct move to make in a crisis situation with a man with a GUN.

She gets as far as….across the street and he pins her. And doesn’t rape her. Or even hit her. He takes her debit card and tells her to “go to the ATM vestibule and clean out your account.” VESTIBULE? What kind of criminal are you, Mug-Rapist? He doesn’t buy that she only has $27 in a checking account and they go to clean it out. With everything he has plus her accounts, he totals a sweep of ALMOST $600.

He tells Joey that Daddy will probably cut her another check. WHOA, PAL, PUT THE BRAKES ON. YOU’RE NEW HERE…JOEY’S DAD…OK, you’ll see, Mug-Rapist. He explains that he has bills to pay. Mug-Rapist, you are a new breed of criminal. People whore themselves, or deal drugs, but mug people for the money to pay their gas and electric? Their conversation keeps going to the point that I’m sure this guy got a 1400 on his SATs based on eloquence and vocabulary.

Mug-Rapist tells Joey that in another life, they’d make a great couple. “You don’t find me the least bit attractive? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you a virgin?” In Real World America, Joey would have already been raped at this point so I’m not even going to explain how absurd it is that he’s passing her a note and asking her t circle Do You Like Me, Yes/No?

He’s asking b/c he pissed off his wife and wants to find out how to make her happy again. “Even Hitler had a girlfriend.” Joey snides. “Yes, Eva Braughn” replies Mug-Rapist…..that FACT that you KNOW THAT….UGH, Mug-Rapist, I swear you’re really a Science teacher.

He asks for her camel coat to give to his wife and Joey says NO and does this:

TURNS HER BACK ON THE GUY WITH A GUN WHO JUST ROBBED HER. Wha?! I’m lost now. He takes it anyway, tells her to take care, and leaves. Correction: He WALKS outside the bank vestibule, PAUSES (PAUSES!) and then WALKS away. Like any normal criminal.

Joey starts to walk home. Professor Mug-Rapist hangs around the scene of his robbery, like a smart criminal, and does this:

WHAT are the odds?! And the car (Car, where were you about 23 mintues ago when he was robbing her on the street) DRIVES OFF! Because its everyday that you get mugged and then witness a fatal driveby. Just another day in Ms. Potter’s life!

Joey takes her stuff and is about to call the cops when Professor Mug-Rapist wakes up from getting hit by a car. His legs are obviously broken and every open orifice is spurting blood. He shoots the gun at Joey but…WHAT THE!? It was never LOADED!? Oh, Mug-Rapist, you Silly Goose! He pukes blood and then Joey, like most people who were just robbed, sticks around with Mug-Rapist to wait for the ambulance to get there.

We learn that Professor Mug-Rapist is married and has a young daughter. I’ll invoke JT Losing My Way bc he says it better than I could:

Now you gotta understand I was a family man
I would have done anything for my own
But I couldn't get a grip on my new found itch
So I ended up all alone
I remember where I was when I got my first buzz
See I thought I was living the life
And the craziest thing is I'll probably never know the color of my daughter's eyes

Joey interrogates Professor Mug-Rapist about why he steals drugs, how he met his wife, his daughter. Joey why are you so interested in this drug-dealing criminOOOOOHHHH, okay, continue! She reveals to him that her Dad dealed drugs was a low-life and she wants to know why WHY someone as together as Professor Mug-Rapist would be like this.

 Once the rest of Boston gets there, Joey passes out the absolute ridiculousness of the script and the fact that there’s still half an hour left.

An nurse at the hospital where everyone’s been taken tells Joey “don’t worry. That creep who mugged you? LOTS of internal bleeding.” Uh, thanks? Any other medical information of strangers you want to share with me, Unethical Orderly?

Joey heads out to find her doctor husband but sees an little girl with pigtails and figures she’ll steal her.

But her Mom steps in and apologizes for leaving her alone. You see, she was just trying to find the girl’s father…uhuh. Its good to see here that Amanda Buckman from Addams Family Values got her come-uppance and married a low-life criminal and had to raise her not-that-cute daughter on her own. HA!

She asks Joey, her trusted friend of 14 seconds to watch her child while she speaks to the doctors.

Amanda Buckman’s daughter Sammy (ANOTHER girl with a boy’s name…the coincidences are endless) explains that her Daddy was hit by a car (!). Amanda then explains how even though she kicked the creep out of her life the girl just LOVES HER DADDY. (Man, Daddy issues abound this ep). For some reason, Joey felt it was necessary to let this woman know that her husband was the one who mugged her.

Professor Mug-Rapist is awake and asking for Joey. Unethical Orderly reminds her, “You’re well aware that you don’t have to do this, right?” I LOL’ed. Like, even HE sees how ridiculous this is. After a bunch of flirtatious back-and-forth, he asks her if she’ll ever forgive her Dad. Long story short, always. He quietly flatlines and Joey realizes there is no reason to be here anymore.

Joey lies to Sammy on the way out that her Daddy help her cross the street. She’ll learn the real story someday.

Damn, that was rull turrible.

Leery-ly Yours,
FP
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